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river + jayne, photuris

Fic: "Wedding Night" (PG-13)

Posted on 2008.03.05 at 09:46
Affectus (State of Mind): peacefulpeaceful
Camena (Music): "Love Like This" - Natasha Bedingfield & Sean Kingston
Tags: ,
Title:  Wedding Night
Author:  Green Owl
Rating:  PG-13
Word Count:  1,200
Summary:  Mr. and Mrs. Cobb do the math.
Author Notes:  Dedicated to theneis on the occasion of her wedding.  I tried for smut, my hand to God!  But those two decided they wanted something a little more tender...
Disclaimer:  I don't own or buy/sell/process this mindcrack – I just abuse the hell out of it.

“Baby, why’s there a pair o’ Bundhers in our bed?”

“Mother Cobb says that little Jayne loved his guns when he was younger.”

“That he did, but I don’t wanna hear the words ‘Jayne’ and ‘little’ in the same sentence again, dong ma, darlin’?”


“Good.  Now, get yer pretty lil’ backside over here an' get nekkid.  I got me a pow’rful cravin’ to see how many times I can make ya hit them high notes tonight.”

“Mmmm…my Jayne makes many, many sparks in the darkness.”

“Hell yeah, baby doll.  It’s my specialty, getting’ y’all hot an’ bothered, makin’ ya feel real good…how’d I get this thing off?!”

“There’s a hook…under…oh, utter, complete – ohhh! – total agreement, my Jayne.”

“Gorram, woman, yer simple wicked when ya say my name like that – ”


“ – Just tell me what ya want, River-girl, an’ I’ll do it – ”

“Stop!  Jayne…stop.”

“’Stop’?  But – but, we’s finally married an’ now it’s legal for us to get nekkid an' freaky!  Why’d I hafta stop?”

“No whining, Jayne, and no – oooh! – not fair!”

“Heh-heh…shoulda thought ‘bout that before we got hitched!”

“Jayne – Jayne – Jayne!”

“Right here, baby.  Just tell me whatcha want…”

“Yes!  Yes!  But multiple, Jayne, multiple.”

“What’s that, darlin’?  Wanna do it more than once?  Think I can handle that, though first time might be a lil’ rushed – ”

“No, no, incorrect assumption!”


“Give me your hand.”

“Ohhh, I get it, we’s gonna play one o’ yer lil’ kinkified games, eh?  Gorram, woman, knew there was a reason I married ya!”

“Focus, husband, please.”

“Focusin’ on ya right now, wife, but ain’t easy with ya lyin’ there, lookin’ right good ‘nough to eat.”

“You are not Kronos, so do not even consider it.”

“Whaddya talkin’ bout?”

“Ingestion of progeny is entirely counterproductive to the mating urge.”

“Hmmm?  Wha’s that, darlin’?  Didn’t hear much ‘cept ‘matin’ urge’.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Hey, ain’t no call to be mean!  John Thomas don’t hold up well sarcastical remarks.”

“Good.  I need Jayne’s higher brain functioning right now.  Hands off, please.”

“Ya know, Mal warned me ‘bout this…”

“What’s that?”

“Ya marry a girl from the Core an’ – wham! – that’s it, no more sexin’!”

“Jayne, please, don’t turn away from me.”

“Gorramit, whaddya want from me, woman?!  ‘Cause I know what I want.  I wanna put the love on my wife, plain an’ simple.”

“I desire that as well, husband – ”

“Well let’s get it on then!”

“We need to talk first.”

“Talk?  All it seems ya wanna do it talk!  Pardon me for breathin’, but two people nekkid in bed – talkin’ ain’t my idea of a weddin’ night.”

“There’s more than two people in this bed, Jayne.”

“Ya got ‘nother girl stashed under these sheets?  I’m all for two at a time an’ other kindsa moresomes, but I was thinkin’ ya’d wanna just be Mr. an' Mrs. Cobb tonight, right, baby?”

“Yes, that’s it!”

“River, this is me, Jayne, your husband, asking you to please tell me what I’m missin’.  I’m dyin’ for ya, darlin’, an' I’m gonna go cross-eyed an’ blue-balled in ‘bout two seconds flat if’n ya don’t spell it out for me.”


“’Kay, gimme a moment.  ‘O-f-f’…that’s “off”, right?”


“An’ ‘s-p-r-i-n-g’.  Hmmm…wait – don’t tell me!  It’s – it’s – it’s, um, ‘spring’!  Yeah, ‘spring’!”

“My husband is a clever, clever man!  So much more than brawn and beauty!  Now add the two together, please.”

“Off plus spring equals…’offspring’?  Offspring.  Now that’s an odd word.  Haven’t heard it in a right long while…wait a minute!  Offspring?!  As in, ‘offspring’ offspring?”


“We gonna have a baby?”


“But you’re pregnant.”


“So we are gonna have a baby!”


“Gorramit, woman, am I gonna be a daddy or not?!”


“And yer gonna be a momma?”


“Then if we do the math, it means we’re gonna have a baby: Jayne plus River equals kid, right?”

“Jayne…my wondrous, worried Jayne, how many guns?”

“Um, two?”

“Correct. ”




“Are you pleased?”

“Pleased?  I’m ruttin’ thrilled, woman!  Runs in the family, ya know!  And to think, that’s my super swimmers gettin’ it on with your lil’ egg factory, yes they are!  How long ya been knocked up?”

“Eloquent as always, my Jayne.  Approximately four weeks, three days, two hours.”

“I’ll be humped!  Got it figured out right down to the minute, dontcha?  Lemme see, when was it?  Afternoon on the dinner table with the chocolate sauce?”

“Ha-ha!  No.”

“Later that night on the weight bench?”

“Hmmm…very memorable, but no.”

“First thing next mornin’ in yer dorm room, you on yer hands an’ knees, me right behind ya with my hand over yer mouth while my soon-to-be brother-in-law tries to convince ya to come into town to shop for a weddin’ dress?”

“Third time’s the charm!”

“Yeah, we did do it three times that mornin’ didn’t we?”

“Excellent memory, husband.”

“An’ if memory serves, wife, ya did say we was gonna get to the good stuff once ya told me yer news…”

“Once again, totally accurate – ohhh!  Jayne, oh Jayne, you’ll wake the girls!”

“My girls’re made o’ metal, woman.  Shut it an’ let me put the love on ya, ‘kay?”

“Our girls!  I mean our girls, Jayne!”

“Oh!  Well, listen up, lil’ darlins, me an’ yer momma’re gonna have us some quality time, so y’all just go to sleep an’ let us do our commiseratin’, ‘kay?”

“‘Consummating’, Jayne, not ‘commiserating’!”

“Deliberate word choice, baby girl.  If’n Cobb an’ Tam blood breeds true, this is gonna be some o’ the last co-ed nekkid stress-free sexin’ we’re gonna get for the next two decades or so.”

“Do not be distressed, Jayne.  That’s what brothers are for.”

“Woman, you are evil.”

“Should have thought of that before you wed with me.”

“I did…that’s what sealed the deal.”

“Oh, Jayne…”



“Mmm…got any names picked out?”


“Gonna share ‘em with me?”


“Come ‘gain?”

“Yes, please, but later.  Their parents are both warriors, so we will name them after the twins of Sparta:  Castor and Pollux.”

“Them don’t seem very girly-like names, darlin’.”

“The names will be derivations.  All weapons must be customized to the owners.”

“I don’t much like the idea o’ my babies bein’ weapons.”

“Jayne, my darling Jayne, do not be sad.  All of your girls are weapons.”


 “If we teach them to be strong from birth, they will never have cause to fear any colors.”

“I see yer truth;  don’t mean I have to like it.”


“What’re we gonna call them, darlin’?”

“I thought the eldest would be called Jo Castra, after your sister.”

“Perfect.  Jo’s a tough broad.  She’ll be a good role model.  And Baby Girl Cobb #2?”

“Lux Aela.”

“Now that’s right shiny, too.  Had me a gun named Lux, once ‘pon a time.  What’s it mean?”

“‘Swan of light’.”

“Pretty.  Like ‘em both.  Won’t have to get in any brawls over them names.”

“But they will still be good fighters all the same.  Just like their father.”

“And their momma.  Hear that, girls?”

“Shhh…they’re sleeping.”



“Love you, River-girl.”

“And I you, my Jayne-cob.”


“Yes, bao bei?”

“Can I start gettin’ sexed now?”

Much affection,

Green Owl

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